… #3

I hate goodbyes.

I know it’s an obvious thing to say, and that the majority of people can relate. But I really do. Unless I’m saying goodbye to a hangover, or to a spider lurking in the room, goodbyes just aren’t my thing.

You’d of thought that with all of my travel experience, that saying the old goodbye, Adios, cya later alligator would be a natural, easy thing for me now. That I’d of gotten used to such life, and learnt how to deal with the sadness a departure brings.

But, in true me style, I’m quite the opposite. I’ve found them to become harder over time.

I’m currently at a Silent Meditation Retreat in Bali (more about that another time) and tomorrow is the last full day, before going on my merry solo way. Again, I won’t go into the whole retreat now because that really is for another time, but honestly? I’ve been counting down the days until we leave. However, realising that tomorrow is the last day, I feel sad. Sad because I will be leaving the group of 25 or so people I’ve been spending my time here with. People whereby the majority I haven’t spoken one single word to. Those who I have spoken to, there was only a handful of small talk exchanged on arrival at dinner, before we settled for the night. (I arrived late, my driver took me on quite the tour of Ubud.) But still. The smiles, glances, those couple of written notes passed between. They’ve brought a connection. But, the biggest connection of all, has been right there in the Shala. All of us sitting together, for near enough 7 hours a day, trying to achieve the same goal. Our spirits and energy dancing around the room. Now that, that is a connection. One that only a small percentage of the population in the world actually experience. 

So I feel sad. Sad to be saying goodbye. I feel like my whole life is full of goodbyes, but I chose this. I chose to travel and leave everyone behind, to find my way in solitude. So no, I wouldn’t change a thing. What a shocking thought to actually settle somewhere. But the point I guess I’m trying to (finally) get to, is that I find goodbyes harder for this reason; I don’t hate the world so much anymore. I don’t dislike the majority of people anymore. I’ve come to learn what a beautiful place this world really is, and how it’s full of amazing people, people who I’m so blessed and incredibly lucky to have within my life. Whether it be for a lifetime, or for an hour. I honestly know, or have had the pleasure to meet, some of the most wonderful souls out there. And I really wish I could bundle you all up and take you with me everywhere.

xo

…#2

I’ve been stuck in a rut recently. A world of mismatched thoughts, utter confusion as to what / where / who I want from life.
I’ve kinda lost myself again. I’ve been beating myself and up and questioning myself over the fact that I’m bored of the lifestyle I was living (nights I don’t remember with people I also don’t remember have lost their appeal as of late.) I’ve been enjoying the quiet life, sitting around my room, hanging out with my housemates, napping on every available occasion.

Of course, there’s absolutely nothing wrong with this.

But, it makes me feel ‘boring.’ Like, I’m in New Zealand, I should be grabbing every opportunity to live life and go wild. But I just cannot be bothered right now.

…I only seem to have two modes; off the rails, or off the radar. There’s no such thing as middle ground.

Yesterday, things started to fall into place again. Last year, I had a goal. This goal was to have one piece of writing accepted and published by Thought Catalog. My most favourite website that has rescued my soul on more than one occasion. However, 2016 was definitely a year of my little self being ‘off the rails’ (in some of the best and worst ways) and naturally, this goal was bypassed and carried on into 2017.

Guess who has finally achieved that goal, huh?

One of my most personal pieces of writing, thrown together in 2015 when I was at one of my lowest points, was deemed good enough to be shown to the world on Thought Catalog. To be on a website alongside some of the most inspirational writers out there.

I almost had a cry and couldn’t quite believe it when I received the email stating ‘Your Submission Is Now Live.’ I half heartedly submitted it one day a couple of weeks ago, and hadn’t even thought about it since.

Everything makes sense now. This quiet moment in life I’m experiencing? This retreat into my shell? It’s a reminder that I’m more than living life in the fast lane. I’ve got dreams and goals and a side to me that not everyone see’s.

… Goal number 2…

… Try, and Try, Again.

One quick and easy decision later; I’ve decided to start my blog afresh.

A whole clean slate.

Why? Well, it just feels like a good idea, you know? I started this blog when my depression hit hard in 2015. I barely updated when traveling through Asia for over 3 months, even though I swore I would. And whilst being in New Zealand? Well, it’s all been somewhat scattered entry’s consisting of uninspired words, just because I wanted to put something out there. Because I wanted to still try. But, my heart and head haven’t been truly committed to any of my writing

… So, here I am. Attempting yet again to throw myself into something I love.

Committing myself.

Because how on earth will I ever achieve my dreams in life, if I don’t?